I fear I am becoming faint-hearted.
I find myself becoming increasingly affected by my surroundings, to the effect that I no longer feel happy.
I am forced to drag myself around unwillingly, to work, around people, other places every single day.
Change has always been something I have been terrified of. It scares me to even imagine uprooting myself from the current proximity, letting go of the few who I truly care for, thinking that I would never have this again.
In this process, I am suffocating myself. I am binding myself to an environment which no longer holds anything positive for me – there is no trust, no laughter, no friendship, no one to look up to, nothing new for me to learn – only mouldy stagnation awaits.
Although I know that this will be irreversible. If I do what I am thinking I should, there will be no return. I will lose touch with those who have been an integral part of my life here; not be able to participate in the surprise birthday parties, random drives, nonsensical discussions, impulse-driven trips, many laughs and all the photographs.
It seems to me a heavy price to pay for someone who never really had friends.
This retreat I sit in now, makes me a weakling. I have never been a victim and refuse to be so. Even though it might wrench all my happy memories from me, a coward I will not be.
Reminds me of one of the songs I recently heard
“You’ve crossed the finish line
Won the race but lost your mind
Was it worth it after all”
Honestly,’I’m no Superman.’